Contentment

Do you ever feel like you are rounding a corner of some kind?
Like you've been climbing, climbing, falling and climbing but suddenly things just feel a little easier, a little happier?

I'm not sure what changed. Actually, I don't think anything did.
I think I just got stronger. And I am happy. 
It's funny because last week I was struggling with discontentment and I couldn't figure out why.
It's like something has clicked. Nothing in my circumstances changed whatsoever but everything seems a little brighter, a little louder and more exciting.

Life is never going to be perfect, I am well aware of that. But I do think, a big part of the beauty in life is the challenges, disappointments and setbacks.  Of course we want life to go perfectly as planned and when it doesn't we wonder what we did wrong, what we did to deserve it or what we could have done to change it. The truth is, usually, nothing.
We can't avoid hurt, rejection, and negative circumstances. All we can do is choose our attitude and response.

I truly believe this is the key to life.

I am in a place where I realize happiness is within my control and i am choosing to be happy.

I am standing stronger alone (with God) then I ever have. It feels so good.
I think what I am trying to say is I am starting to feel WHOLE.

Whole.. What does that word mean....

You know that gaping hole in the center of your being that we try to fill with everything from friends, love, possessions, experiences, emotions and so on and so forth... That gaping hole can only be filled with the Lord. Once it is, we are free to enjoy all of the things I just listed above.
That is a pretty awesome concept. He never says we can't have and do those things. He simply wants to be first. He wants to fill the hole so we are free to live and enjoy our life. Wow.

I am smiling just thinking about how good God is. The sunlight is coming through the weeping willow tree beautifully in the backyard. The birds are singing. My daughter just woke up, hugged me and told me she loved me..

It's going to be a good day..

Walking aimlessly

I realized today that the way I feel inside has nothing to do with what I have or don't have.
I am not sure what made me realize it today, but whatever it was made me painfully aware.
When I sit and think, I know that I have everything.
Really, I do.

I have 2 kids I adore, a business that is growing, busy and making money, I have more finances to work with than we have in years, and a network of friends that is unbelieveable.
Who in the world wouldn't be happy with all of that?
Everything is up in the air again.. Is that the source of the discontent?
It's exciting if I think about it..
We can move to a completely different part of town, change schools, change scenery and start fresh..

This is the kind of stuff that thrills me. I love the challenge of not knowing, of needing to figure things out, or having choices and decisions to make.
I spent some time downtown today by myself and I was thinking about what direction I wanted to move in..
I just honestly have no idea what to do.

The feeling of floating aimlessly but being tied down by life reminded me of how I have felt in the past and blamed on other people.
There is nobody to blame that feeling on now.
I am free to make any choice I want, with the kids  blessing of course.
There is nobody to tell me no or try to talk me out of what I want.
That. Is. Freeing.
Yet, I am still struggling.

If I simply think about what I want, it definitely includes possessions I don't have and the fact that I would love to settle down and buy a house but don't think I am financially ready.
In my daydreams, I'd buy a house in East Nashville (where I feel free) and cover it with plants, flowers and art. It would have a fenced backyard where my kids could safely play and an awesome neighborhood/community. My kids would go to a magnet school that allowed them to think outside of the box and not conform to a certain type of learning.

That is what I want.
But really, is that all I want?
If I am honest, the answer is no. I want much more than that.

The key for me right now is to find contentment in my current situation, all the way around.
I've got to get to the bottom of that feeling.

I hope you are sleeping as I lay here missing you. I hope you are dreaming as I lay awake and dream.
I wish you understood this ache, I wish you understood this pain. Part of me wishes, I could take my heart back, but if I did, I'd lose the good times, the sweet memories, the hope that things could change, the heart transformation from cold to devastatingly tender and I'd lose my precious best friend.
You don't get to choose who you love and it seems that life is funny..
The people who love you, you hurt, and the ones you love, hurt you.
The only way to keep yourself safe is to let God hold your heart. You can't hold it back from other people because if you do, you miss out on so much..
I don't want to miss out. I'd rather love and hurt than not feel at all.
Eventually I will have the love God intends me to have.. until then I will wait in surrender and i will lean on Him. My hope is in you Lord. Thank you for guarding my heart.

Stepping Out.

Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing.

Helen Keller

Jumping out of an airplane. Deep sea diving. Hitchhiking across the country. Opening several businesses. Cliff jumping. Learning to do a back-flip. Writing a book. Spending a month in Paris. Swimming with dolphins. Taking a year off to do nothing but travel and see the world.

Just a few of the things I will accomplish in my life.

Some of my favorite words:
Reckless. Passion. Life. Inspire. Abandon. Jump. Adventure. Love. Experience.

Things i love. 
 The ocean. sun. open air. thunder storms. fresh cut grass. driving fast. brainstorming. 
lists. planning. meeting new people. art. books. new places.

I love life. I love the good and I learn from the bad.
Life is too short to waste so i'm not going to.

I am happy with what I have accomplished at almost 30 and I know God hadn't even scratched the surface with what He has planned for my life.

One of my favorite things to dream about is my coffee shop...
Amazing coffee, endless books, comfy couches, wine, writer's nights, open mic, art shows, and an incredible atmosphere that cultivates creativity and thinking.

When I am lacking inspiration, I go look at empty buildings. Open space. Endless possibilities. Destroyed walls. Freedom.

Anybody else feel like following their dream now? 

I do.

Love.

Love to some is a little cottage with a wraparound porch that has a cozy swing for two, perfect for steaming, fresh brewed coffee with the perfect amount of cream in the misty morning light. The overflowing flower pots bursting with color, and plush grass that's a little too long. I can only imagine that the inside of the home is filled with love. A king sized bed and fluffy pillows that you and your love sink into at the end of the day and don't want to leave in the early morning light. It has windows everywhere that let in the light from the sun or moon. A room just for books with a winding staircase and cozy couches for afternoon naps. A giant kitchen with an island and a huge wooden table for large family dinners that always has a fresh bouquet of flowers from the garden. 

To others its the quaint areas of town that draw the free-spirits. Funky coffee shops filled with personality and fabulous coffee, abstract art covering the walls, and destroyed brick walls. The little clothing boutiques, fresh food markets, hippie shops, kids playing in the front yard, couples walking their dogs and a sense of community you don't feel anywhere else. 

To others it's creative freedom. Painting, writing, touching. It the feeling of abandon you get when you touch the person you love. It's getting lost running your hands through their hair or tracing their face. Its the contented sigh of feeding your creative side. It's dreaming of places you want to go, and things you want to do. It's making lists, plans, and brainstorming.

It's passion. Period. If you don't have passion you aren't really living. 

 

What's the point?

I am in the mood to write! YAY!

As silly as that sounds and as much as I love to write, I haven't felt like doing it in months.

I took a walk with the kids earlier and a cool spring breeze was blowing, it felt so good, so peaceful. I filled my lungs with a couple of deep breaths and enjoyed the feeling of briskly moving my body, feeling my heart rate increase. I do my best thinking when I walk.

I started thinking about what my purpose was. What drives me, motivates me, makes me want to keep striving?

The answer? I have no idea.

I know I have a purpose. A plan. I know I am on the right track but I am stumbling over the why. I believe the things you are passionate about, lead you to your purpose. It's the things that get your blood flowing that make getting out of bed in the morning worth it.

I had a conversation over the weekend with a friend about creative outlets and ways to express passion. He had several that he could list off the top of his head and I was so envious. I don't have that. I have tried painting, drawing, writing, dancing. I am not good at any of those things.

Do you ever have that "fire in your stomach, heart beating fast, gonna scream or go crazy if you can't let it out" feeling?

I get it a lot. When I talk about the future of the gym, when I walk past an empty building, when I think about opening my coffee shop/bookstore, when I think about traveling, training, learning.

The problem is I don't have a way to express the passion. Even this. Writing, which I love doesn't fully do it justice.

How do I go about finding the outlets that I KNOW God placed in me?

Do I just keep walking it out and wait?

It isn't frustrating. Or I should say, I am not allowing it to frustrate me, but i was thinking about it and wanted to get it on paper hoping this will help me process the issue.

Am I alone in this or are there other people out there who have been through the same thing?

Day 2

"First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you." Rob Gilbert

I have a really cool story. Remember yesterday when I said I ran into car/house challenges and I knew that I was supposed to choose a good attitude in spite of situations that were trying to get me off track? Well.. I did what I was supposed to do. I trusted God instead of trying to "fix" everything myself and in the process totally stressing myself out. ( This is what I would have done in the past)
So today, I nailed down a house for rent in Mt Juliet. Btw, it was exactly what we needed. 3 bedrooms in WA Wright school zone, less expensive than what we are living in now and right next door to my parents. : ) How cool is that?
Also, before class I drove to my best friend's house, borrowed some of her Husband's tools and was able to get my car started! Hooray! So the bottom line here is that God is good and all we really have to do is believe that and trust him to help us with our problems.
As far as my personal challenge went today. It wasn't as good as Monday. I didn't get a chance to workout. BUT, I did eat clean, and I went to lunch at Logan's with my mom and ate chicken, broc, and a baked sweet potato and didn't have a single roll! : )
And maybe I can count Kid Fit as exercise. I did have 13 kids after all, and they were WILD!
So, overall I feel great about everything. A challenge like this isn't designed for perfection, it is designed to make me aware of the daily decisions I make everyday.
I am consciously putting my phone down, (and turning off the sound), consciously hanging with my kids undistracted and overall changing my life to a life of intention. I don't want to let life slip by, or to be constantly waiting for the next step. I am where I am, and I love where I am.