Reality Check

My heart is heavy and the only way to feel better is to write the feelings out. So I am choosing to write freely without worry of who may read this or what they might think about it.
I was alone last night with time alone for thoughts to roam freely. I am usually so busy and occupied that I do not allow myself this luxury. Last night I didn't mean to intentionally think. It just happened.

I have learned a lot about myself the past few years. It has taken heartache, bad choices and some successes but through it all I have learned more about who I am.
I have had a rough few years. Nobody else is to blame. It has been all mine to shoulder. I could blame bad choices on my childhood if I wanted to, but I won't. I could blame bad relationships, but I won't do that either. I could be angry at my current situation, but if I am here to be honest with myself then I know I can't do that either.
I have thought recently that I was recovering from these things, healing if you will. Starting over. Beginning again.

I realized last night and mostly this morning that I was wrong. Yet again. I have been deceiving myself into believing that I was better.
I use distraction to cover the hurt. To literally ignore the problem. But the problem is that none of these distractions heal the hurt.
I literally feel like the tree in the movie Fern Gully. "Can't you feel it's pain?"
Like if you touched me, your fingertips would be covered in blood, pain, hurt.
I heard a song this morning that I hadn't heard in a long time and it resonated deeply in my heart.
"I can't laugh, can't cry.. and I can't run, can't hide.. You get used to the pain and numb to the sting until you can't feel anything.."

So this this is me. And in writing this I am deciding to be honest with myself, even though it hurts.
Even though I would prefer to reach out to someone, crack a smile, hide behind my walls.
I feel them crumbling. And I'm scared.