Love.

Love to some is a little cottage with a wraparound porch that has a cozy swing for two, perfect for steaming, fresh brewed coffee with the perfect amount of cream in the misty morning light. The overflowing flower pots bursting with color, and plush grass that's a little too long. I can only imagine that the inside of the home is filled with love. A king sized bed and fluffy pillows that you and your love sink into at the end of the day and don't want to leave in the early morning light. It has windows everywhere that let in the light from the sun or moon. A room just for books with a winding staircase and cozy couches for afternoon naps. A giant kitchen with an island and a huge wooden table for large family dinners that always has a fresh bouquet of flowers from the garden. 

To others its the quaint areas of town that draw the free-spirits. Funky coffee shops filled with personality and fabulous coffee, abstract art covering the walls, and destroyed brick walls. The little clothing boutiques, fresh food markets, hippie shops, kids playing in the front yard, couples walking their dogs and a sense of community you don't feel anywhere else. 

To others it's creative freedom. Painting, writing, touching. It the feeling of abandon you get when you touch the person you love. It's getting lost running your hands through their hair or tracing their face. Its the contented sigh of feeding your creative side. It's dreaming of places you want to go, and things you want to do. It's making lists, plans, and brainstorming.

It's passion. Period. If you don't have passion you aren't really living. 

 

What's the point?

I am in the mood to write! YAY!

As silly as that sounds and as much as I love to write, I haven't felt like doing it in months.

I took a walk with the kids earlier and a cool spring breeze was blowing, it felt so good, so peaceful. I filled my lungs with a couple of deep breaths and enjoyed the feeling of briskly moving my body, feeling my heart rate increase. I do my best thinking when I walk.

I started thinking about what my purpose was. What drives me, motivates me, makes me want to keep striving?

The answer? I have no idea.

I know I have a purpose. A plan. I know I am on the right track but I am stumbling over the why. I believe the things you are passionate about, lead you to your purpose. It's the things that get your blood flowing that make getting out of bed in the morning worth it.

I had a conversation over the weekend with a friend about creative outlets and ways to express passion. He had several that he could list off the top of his head and I was so envious. I don't have that. I have tried painting, drawing, writing, dancing. I am not good at any of those things.

Do you ever have that "fire in your stomach, heart beating fast, gonna scream or go crazy if you can't let it out" feeling?

I get it a lot. When I talk about the future of the gym, when I walk past an empty building, when I think about opening my coffee shop/bookstore, when I think about traveling, training, learning.

The problem is I don't have a way to express the passion. Even this. Writing, which I love doesn't fully do it justice.

How do I go about finding the outlets that I KNOW God placed in me?

Do I just keep walking it out and wait?

It isn't frustrating. Or I should say, I am not allowing it to frustrate me, but i was thinking about it and wanted to get it on paper hoping this will help me process the issue.

Am I alone in this or are there other people out there who have been through the same thing?

Day 2

"First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you." Rob Gilbert

I have a really cool story. Remember yesterday when I said I ran into car/house challenges and I knew that I was supposed to choose a good attitude in spite of situations that were trying to get me off track? Well.. I did what I was supposed to do. I trusted God instead of trying to "fix" everything myself and in the process totally stressing myself out. ( This is what I would have done in the past)
So today, I nailed down a house for rent in Mt Juliet. Btw, it was exactly what we needed. 3 bedrooms in WA Wright school zone, less expensive than what we are living in now and right next door to my parents. : ) How cool is that?
Also, before class I drove to my best friend's house, borrowed some of her Husband's tools and was able to get my car started! Hooray! So the bottom line here is that God is good and all we really have to do is believe that and trust him to help us with our problems.
As far as my personal challenge went today. It wasn't as good as Monday. I didn't get a chance to workout. BUT, I did eat clean, and I went to lunch at Logan's with my mom and ate chicken, broc, and a baked sweet potato and didn't have a single roll! : )
And maybe I can count Kid Fit as exercise. I did have 13 kids after all, and they were WILD!
So, overall I feel great about everything. A challenge like this isn't designed for perfection, it is designed to make me aware of the daily decisions I make everyday.
I am consciously putting my phone down, (and turning off the sound), consciously hanging with my kids undistracted and overall changing my life to a life of intention. I don't want to let life slip by, or to be constantly waiting for the next step. I am where I am, and I love where I am.

Official Day #1

Anytime you start something new, something that will lead you down a better path, change your life for the better, expect something to try derail you. Do not wait for it, but don't be surprised by it.
I started gearing up for my personal pursuit of change yesterday. I ate healthy and all natural all day until last night then I had some homemade taffy. ( because i wasn't starting until today, remember? ; ) But I did clean my house and go through my closet. I got rid of 3 large baskets of clothes and shoes that I don't want or need anymore. It looks so clean and organized. I am determined to go through my entire house. I love, LOVE getting rid of stuff. I like to travel light. That means, stuff I have not used or clothes I haven't worn in a month or two, gone. If I haven't needed it, I won't miss it.
I woke up today, ready. My goal for the day today was to eat healthy and clean, and start my workouts again. I did both today. Yay!
My Diet:
Breakfast:
1/3 cup plain oatmeal with crumbled walnuts and skim milk and 4 eggs (2 whole, 2 white)
snack:
organic gala apple and raw almonds
Lunch:
4 oz baked chicken, broc, 1/3 cup brown rice mixed with black beans
snack:
cup of coffee and tea ( weird, I know.)
Dinner:
Mom's homemade turkey soup and 1/2 glass of red wine

Workout:
Deadlift
Power clean press
Front squats
3 sets of 10 (no rest)

ring push-ups
Strap rows
mat laps
3x 15 (no rest)

I also ran my neighborhood when I came home from class tonight. ( yes it was raining and cold) What kept me going was that incredibly inspiring YouTube video I watched today. I have big goals. Big goals mean rainy, cold runs at 830pm.

Overall I did great today. The derailing part.. My car died today when I was working at re:MOVE this morning, it would not start with a jump. So, its still sitting there. Thankfully I was able to borrow my mom's truck tonight. I will figure out what to do with it tomorrow. Also I am moving again. This is always stressful, so I felt like 2 major major things were up in the air today. Yucky feeling. I beat it though. I chose Joy anyway and I guarantee it will pay off.
I totally conquered this day!
Day 2 tomorrow:
-Continue my healthy, natural diet
-leg workout
-Go through kid's closets

I like this. Little changes. Stay tuned. : )

It's time to get serious about making changes!

I have things in my life I want to change. Can anyone out there relate?
When I look back I am very thankful that I am not where I once was but as I take a realistic look at where I am now, I know I'm not yet where I want to be. I do not do this in a condemning way. I refuse to allow guilt to stick around. I receive the conviction and desire to do better and make better choices.
What are "better" choices/decisions really?
For me better decisions are higher decisions.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

I have some bad habits. Because this will help me to acknowledge, process and begin to change them. I am going to list them.
1. procrastination
2. multi-tasking (to the point of not being able to focus on one thing at a time)
3. spend too much time on media (facebook, my phone, my computer)
4. Enjoying and "being" in the moment is difficult for me
5. spending interrupted time with the kids where I am not distracted by a person, my phone, facebook or work.
6. I am "busy" all of the time
7. I need to feel loved and wanted
8. I crave discipline but have a hard time sticking to a goal once I set it

There are more I am sure, but this is a good place for me to begin. I want to change. I am not looking at these things and wallowing in self hatred. Just to show you (or me) that I have a healthy balance, I am going to list my positive qualities.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalms 139:14

1.I have a genuine, loving heart
2. I love God, love my family, love people
3. I am great at building rapport and relationships
4. I am business minded, determined and I refuse to give up.
5. I always try to find the silver lining in EVERY situation.
6. I know who I am in Christ and refuse to accept less than I should.
7. I am generous and loyal and protective of those I love
8. I am athletic, adventurous and fun.

So here is the consensus. I want to change and this is what I want.
I want to live a simplified life, uncomplicated by excess stuff, responsibilities that were never mine to take on. I want to break the addiction to facebook, my computer and my phone and create healthy, balanced boundaries. I want to be single and satisfied. I want to stop being a "busy multi-tasker" I want to focus on one main task each day and then if anything else gets done that day it's a bonus.
I want to enjoy and live my life now. Why wait? What is later? Are we promised tomorrow? No, we have today and today only. I want to start living that way.
How do you start? That is a very important question.
I am going to start with a small step. Writing this was my first step. Acknowledging that I have things to change and I'm ready was my first step. Putting it on paper makes it final somehow.
I'm not perfect, I don't care to be perfect, but I am ready to make some changes.

Day 1. Get organized
-basic house cleaning
-extra stuff off counters
-go through my closet and kids closet

Week 1. Detox
-add fruits and veggies
-remove processed junk
-no extra sugar or salt

Stay tuned! : )

Better places

The thunder is rolling in the background, I can hear the patter of rain on the back deck. I have the lights dim in the house and I am snuggled in my white chair drinking hot, bedtime tea.
I am so relaxed, I feel so peaceful. The kids are in bed sleeping and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I should be doing something else.
My dog is laying at my feet and the kitten is sitting at the edge of the chair. I could probably fall asleep sitting here.
My body is completely spent. I haven't been sleeping enough, working too many hours and training my body as hard as I can. Tonight I got an incredible workout after class. My body is humming it is so tired.
That is the best feeling. All energy spent. All stress gone. Muscles tired but satisfied. It feels so good.
I reread some of my lastest blog entries before I started writing tonight and I was amazed at how difficult of a place I had been in the past few months. Its sad that the only time I was writing was when i was frusterated. That is what is important to me about this blog. Regardless of who reads it or what anybody thinks, I want this to be a place of honesty for me. So that means that not every single entry is going to be cotton candy and lollipops. This is real life we are talking about.
I am in a much better place. I have new stresses and new challenges but I do not feel as closed in as I did before. I feel free to make decisions and changes as necessary without feeling like I need to ask permission. Sometimes I think the toughest decisions to make are the ones that are the most important. It's like God needs to see if he can trust you to listen and make the right choice so he can bless you and bring the next phase into your life.
Maybe that is not for everyone, but that's how it works for me. I am at a point in my life where I want to succeed. I want to listen and learn. I know that I don't know it all. God does. I choose to listen to my Father's voice.
So anyway, life is good. I feel like I am in a transitional point. I feel like things are preparing to change drastically. I am ready, how fun!

Fight or Flight

Its an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. An anxiety that I cannot put my finger on..
I can't stand it.. I feel like I need to get out. I feel trapped by my life. I have been dealing with
panic attacks the past few weeks. What does this stem from? I am dealing with fear that I have never had before. I'm scared. How do you know if you are making the right decision?
And if you know you are making the right decision, how do you follow through?

I have given the warning signs. I have silently cried for help. It wont be long now. I wish someone would understand.
Gonna pack my car, gonna pack my bag. Gonna drive across the country and find a few favorite spots. Coffee shops in Seattle, choppy coasts in Oregon, lighthouses in Maine, beaches in SC.

Don't worry, I wont abandon the kids. I wont leave my business or my commitments. I just need some time to be me. Just to be.

Someday i will figure it out. Someday I wont run when somebody tries to get too close. Someday I will be able to think forever without shuddering. It isn't someday yet. And for now, I am still free. And my kids love road trips.