Better places

The thunder is rolling in the background, I can hear the patter of rain on the back deck. I have the lights dim in the house and I am snuggled in my white chair drinking hot, bedtime tea.
I am so relaxed, I feel so peaceful. The kids are in bed sleeping and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I should be doing something else.
My dog is laying at my feet and the kitten is sitting at the edge of the chair. I could probably fall asleep sitting here.
My body is completely spent. I haven't been sleeping enough, working too many hours and training my body as hard as I can. Tonight I got an incredible workout after class. My body is humming it is so tired.
That is the best feeling. All energy spent. All stress gone. Muscles tired but satisfied. It feels so good.
I reread some of my lastest blog entries before I started writing tonight and I was amazed at how difficult of a place I had been in the past few months. Its sad that the only time I was writing was when i was frusterated. That is what is important to me about this blog. Regardless of who reads it or what anybody thinks, I want this to be a place of honesty for me. So that means that not every single entry is going to be cotton candy and lollipops. This is real life we are talking about.
I am in a much better place. I have new stresses and new challenges but I do not feel as closed in as I did before. I feel free to make decisions and changes as necessary without feeling like I need to ask permission. Sometimes I think the toughest decisions to make are the ones that are the most important. It's like God needs to see if he can trust you to listen and make the right choice so he can bless you and bring the next phase into your life.
Maybe that is not for everyone, but that's how it works for me. I am at a point in my life where I want to succeed. I want to listen and learn. I know that I don't know it all. God does. I choose to listen to my Father's voice.
So anyway, life is good. I feel like I am in a transitional point. I feel like things are preparing to change drastically. I am ready, how fun!

Fight or Flight

Its an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. An anxiety that I cannot put my finger on..
I can't stand it.. I feel like I need to get out. I feel trapped by my life. I have been dealing with
panic attacks the past few weeks. What does this stem from? I am dealing with fear that I have never had before. I'm scared. How do you know if you are making the right decision?
And if you know you are making the right decision, how do you follow through?

I have given the warning signs. I have silently cried for help. It wont be long now. I wish someone would understand.
Gonna pack my car, gonna pack my bag. Gonna drive across the country and find a few favorite spots. Coffee shops in Seattle, choppy coasts in Oregon, lighthouses in Maine, beaches in SC.

Don't worry, I wont abandon the kids. I wont leave my business or my commitments. I just need some time to be me. Just to be.

Someday i will figure it out. Someday I wont run when somebody tries to get too close. Someday I will be able to think forever without shuddering. It isn't someday yet. And for now, I am still free. And my kids love road trips.

Running

I just knew I had to get out this morning. It was raining, pouring rather but it suited my mood. I wanted to run, but didn't want to get wet so I drove instead. didn't have a plan, just drove. It was one of those days I could have easily ended up in Ohio or something of the sort, but I settled for east nashville. Something about that quaint area of town always makes me feel better. I drove around listening to music, thinking, looking at adorable houses and buildings. I tried to imagine where I would end up, what I really truly wanted out of life and where I could picture myself ending up. Have you ever met those people that know exactly what they want? Where they want to buy a house, settle down, grow old and gray setting on a porch swing talking about the neighbors? I can't do that. When I start thinking that way, i start to hyperventilate. I need the freedom to run.
I am such a dreamer and such a free spirit, but I put myself in these situations to lock myself down. Why? Then I think back and i have done it as long as I can remember. I need out. I need a fresh start. I cannot ignore this desire to run. It feels like it is going to take me over. I struggle on a daily basis to take a full breath of air. I feel clausterphobic. There is not a soul in my life that understands. These feelings stay inside until they hit paper and I feel like I can release them from my brain. It is frusteration that I can't begin to put into words. I am happy. Truly. I love my kids. I love my life. But something isn't right. Not even close and I have to do something about it. I can't live this way anymore.
I am thankful I have this outlet. Without it, I don't know what I would do.

I was downtown this morning after I finished training a client and I took a minute to cruise the streets. I simply adore Nashville. I LOVE being downtown.

I drove with the windows down and breathed in the fresh spring air and looked all around,

I would love to buy a condo down there and truly experience downtown living.

Maybe some day..

I have been on a kick lately that every place I go I want to be somewhere I have never been. It's a fun little game. Tye has been a good sport, driving around while I look around and decide where I want to eat. This process sometimes takes us 30-40 minutes but it is always worth it.

We also took the kids on a walk the other night, up that REALLY big hill in front of the capital building. Once we got up there, I decided that it would be fun to roll down it. You know, like you used to when you were a kid?

Ok well it hurts a lot more than it used to. And that's all I am going to say about that. ; )

We ended up exploring the old historic part of downtown and it was so awesome. In the 6 years that I have lived here I have never taken the time to do that.

Tye rang the big giant bell and literally scared the you know what out of us.

Eli ran faster than I have ever seen. We laughed and laughed until we realized that Grace was crying because she thought the cops were going to come get us! LOL!

Nashville is just great. If you haven't ever been here you must come.

We have the coolest little music venues, quirky coffee shops, friendly people.

It's just all around a great great place.

Well, gottta run. Grace has gymnastics at 3:30 and Eli has a baseball game and 6:00.

It's gonna be a good night.

Love you all.

He is peace to the wounded and help for the helpless one.

Wait patiently, upon the Lord.

When the waves rise against me and the waves try to draw me away.

I will stand on the mountain safe in your arms, I will sing.


I feel like driving. Actually today I have felt very claustrophobic. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel like I need to take a really deep breath.

It makes me feel like leaving.
Windows down, music blaring, hair down. Responsibilities left in the previous town.
I want to go somewhere new.
Quaint coffee shops, creative energy, artsy streets, bookstores, and art galleries.
It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to completely settle down and feel content.
I am blessed. I have a million and one things to be thankful for.
That is not the problem.
The issue is, I want my freedom. I have no desire to buy another house that I am tied to. I do not want to remarry anytime soon.
I didn't even want to sign a lease on my apartment.
I want to feel free. I don't want to have to explain why I feel this way sometimes.
I just do.
I have been responsible my whole life. But my entire life I have struggled with rebelling against that responsibility.
Today for example I want to drive to Asheville, NC. Alone. I want to wander down streets. I want to get lost. I want to eat dinner in a cute little restaurant. I want to get a little tipsy. I want to buy a piece of art from a local artist because it called my name.
Stay in a bed and breakfast. sleep in. write. dream.

It makes me wonder what the Lord has planned for me. He put big things inside of my heart. I know He did. I believe that is why I am not content to live a boring, life.
I want to see, explore, experience, really truly live. You know?




.

"Well it's a winding road, when your in the lost and found. You're a lover, I'm a runner and we go 'round and 'round. And I love you but I leave you, I don't want you, but I need you. I've got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for leaving.."
Zac Brown Band

I am craving a new place. When I feel like this, it's a fire in the pit of my stomach. I just want to pick up and go. Pack the essentials, give away the rest. The ocean is in my blood and that is where my heart is. If the kids were game, we'd move back to Maui, and buy a small cottage on the beach.
An open, airy little place with big windows and a sliding glass door that opened to the warm sand and roaring sound of the ocean. I'd decorate in blues and whites, wicker furniture, and have hard wood floors. It would be covered in art with books everywhere. The kids would have the freedom to play, paint, learn, explore and enjoy life.
Every morning I would enjoy fresh Kona coffee in the sun, birds chirping, and the glorious smell of the ocean.

Jack of all trades

It's on my heart to write today. I have actually wanted to for days now but there has simply been no time to carve out to relax and write. Even now I am sitting in a cozy corner of panera wishing I could sit and do this for hours but I only have a few minutes before I meet a client and the day officially begins. I have a heavy topic on my heart today and that is being a single mom. I honestly don't think there is a more difficult job in the world. I actually love being a mom to my kids and honestly don't mind doing it alone. There are times when it would be easier to have someone at home helping me all of the time but having done both I am also thankful to be independent as well. Yesterday after I worked all day, I picked my kids up from the bus stop and took my daughter to gymnastics. While she practiced, her brother and I did homework. After a two hour practice we stopped by Kroger so I could pick up some things to make dinner. Chicken enchiladas had been requested. When we got home, we took the dogs out, I begin cooking dinner, grace took a shower then did homework. We sat down to eat as a family and talked about their day. Immediately after dinner I cleaned the kitchen, put left-overs away, packed snacks for school the next day and went through backpacks while the kids relaxed with a movie. Bedtime, teeth brushed, vitamins down, fresh water, tuck tuck and kisses. "mommy, can I have a string cheese?" "I have to go to the bathroom" " Did you sign my folder?" "My throat hurts!" "Go to sleep kids, I love you."

I love my life and truly wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But I am also well aware that this is that hardest job and the most rewarding job I will ever have.