Bumps on the road

I am frustrated tonight. Maybe I shouldn't write. Maybe I should wait until I am in a better mood, not so tired. Or maybe I will get the feelings out now instead of waiting like I always do.

I am in a weird transitional place in my life. In the past 2 years I have been through a divorce, the repossession of my car, a near foreclosure of my house (decided to do a short sell and it sold and closed within a month. Definitely a God thing and a story I will cover in my Traveling Light Series) The kids and I have moved multiple times, from our house we sold, to my parents house, to an apartment that I LOVED! It represented freedom finally! A new season in our lives. We lived there about 8 months and I was able to keep the kids in their same school last year. This year they told me that if we stayed where we were that the kids would have to change schools. I was unwilling to do this as the kids have been through so much change the past 2 years. Sooo we moved again, back into my parents house while they were in Alaska and most recently into my best friend Jessica's house with her family. This put us back in the neighborhood zoned for the kids school.

I am worn out and frustrated as I do not see an end in sight. Then I feel bad feeling this way as everyone has been so good to me and and the kids. My parents opening their home, Jess and Brandon opening their home and sharing their time and space. I am doing the best I can, working as hard as I can but I feel like I am moving in slow motion. There is nothing more that I want then to move back into a place that is "ours" where I can walk in, drop my stuff on the floor, look around and know that I am providing for my children. I know that the Lord has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and I cling to that knowledge daily. He has been with us on this journey as well, I know he has. We may have struggled, but we have never gone without basic necessities.

There are exciting things going on now business wise, I just need to stay focused. I am just venting I suppose and hoping that I am not judged for my negativity at the moment. I know that things are going to turn around. I know that I am going to be successful and I will look back on this challenging time like it was nothing. But right now I am longing for a couch with a fuzzy blanket, a roaring fire and a place I can call my own.

Travel Light Session 2

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.

--Glen Clark

We lost track of what was important. I think that is the best way to sum it up.

I was engrossed in raising the children. He was in love with his job. We grew apart and then the marriage fell apart. It was tragic. If I could go back I would do a million things different. I think both of us realize now how we messed up, but it's too late.

I know that I personally learned a ton of valuable lessens... Let me travel back..

After the apartment we moved into a house in Mt Juliet. We also decided to sell the van and billy bought a used Land Rover. We also eventually bought me a new Chevy Classic.

Life was good for a while, but things really hadn't changed. We were sharing a home but living two separate lives. On top of not spending enough time together, we had overextended our finances so it looked like we were living this perfect life when in actuality we were stressed to the max and up to our ears in debt. Does that sound familiar to anyone?

I won't get in to all of the gory details but we decided to end the marriage after 8 years of marriage. Billy left the kids and I in the house and he moved out.

I kept the house for a while but during this process had my car reposed (bad feeling)

and then began to lose the house. A few people from church told me that I should try to short sell the house. A whole team of people gathered together and helped me fix everything up. We painted, scrubbed, landscaped, stained.. You name it. The house looked beautiful when we were done. The house sold in 2 days and we closed within the month. It was amazing. A total God thing.

Oh yeah and I broke even as well. I didn't lose any money on the house. : )

Since then I have revamped my thinking on many things.

I am not and will never be in debt like that again.

I have decided that if I can't pay cash for something then I don't need it that bad or I can wait. I decided this almost 2 years ago and I have stuck to it.

Last year I climbed out of $25,000 worth of accumulated debt between Billy and I.

I am happy to say that I am now DEBT FREE!!! This was completely the Lord's doing. He has been very faithful to take care of me.

I choose now to travel light. The kids and I have our own place but we don't have a ton of stuff and I want it that way.

I know now what is most important..

Traveling Light session 1

I am relaxing in the quiet. Everyone has gone to bed and I am sitting in the brown, comfy chair enjoying a cup of tea and listening to the rain come down. This is one of my favorite times of the day. I am a morning person, but there is something about the peace and quiet of a house after everyone has gone to sleep.

I have wanted to write this blog all week, but this one is a hard one for me to write. Even now I am writing and erasing, writing and erasing. Sigh. The topic has been on my mind for months and then I was reminded the other day by a quote on a tea bag of all things. It may seem like nothing to somebody else, but to me it made perfect sense. "Travel light, live light, spread the light and be the light."

In the past two years I have learned what this means. When my husband and I first moved to Nashville (6 years ago) we had little to nothing. We moved from Alaska where we were both born and raised to start a new life here in Tennessee. In Alaska we were earning less than 10,000 per year. I was a stay at home mom raising a newborn and a 2 year old. I was going to college full-time and He was working as hard as he could to support us. When an opportunity came up for him to play in a band in Nashville we jumped at the chance.

We literally put all of our possessions in a hollowed out Chevy van (1985 I think) and him and his best friend made the long trek from Alaska to Nashville. The kids and I stayed in Alaska for a few months so I could finish my current semester in school. We had put every bit of finances we had into the trip (adventure) to Nashville. So there was no option for failure. He even put on a fundraising show to raise money to go. On his drive down (6 days of driving)the band he was going to be playing for ran into some technical difficulties and was no longer a band. Needless to say, there was no longer a job.

At this point in time, there was no turning back. We had made a decision and we were sticking to it. He was able to land himself a job as a trainer at a local gym the second day he was in town. A few months later the kids and I joined him in Nashville. Things were extremely tight for probably the next year to 2 years. We were in an apartment, but we had no furniture. We slept on the floor, graduated to an air mattress and after a year finally bought a box spring and mattress. Our kitchen table was a card table and we didn't have a couch, we used bean bags. Those were good times. Good memories. I remember times when I made the most horrible concoctions out of whatever canned goods I could find in the cupboard.

Eventually we began to pull out of the tight spot. He began to move up the ladder and I started working at the gym in the daycare. Somewhere around this time we bought a new car. Until then we had been sharing, yes you guessed it. The van. Which by the way, we actually both liked. I think it reminded us of what it took to get here and how far we had come.

A good place to stop for the night.. stay tuned..

Ideas

I woke up yesterday (late) to the toilet overflowing. Not the best way to start the day. By the way, I don't do anything in the morning until I have had at least one cup of coffee. So, dealt with the toilet water up to my ankles and got the kids off to school, who somehow made it on time (total miracle). Needless to say, I was not in the best mood.

I came home from dropping the kids off and had a decision to make. I could give in to my bad mood and let it ruin my morning or I could get up and move on with my day. I decided to spend some time reading the bible. Something I try to prioritize but more often than not takes a back seat to the other "important" things I need to get done on a daily basis. So, I did that and then left to go on a run. ( I was still in a bad mood)

It was so pretty outside. The sun had just come up, and a cool breeze was blowing. I ran two miles and tried not to think. Instead focusing on how good it felt to use my body, to push it past its limit, to breath in that cool fall air. I started feeling better. I ran two more miles and my brain started rolling. Idea after idea after idea. They kept on coming. I turned down my music. I started brainstorming. I couldn't believe the stuff that was coming. I literally sprinted home so I could write this stuff down.

I walked in the door and straight to the computer so I would write out all of the ideas and thoughts before they disappeared. It was amazing. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. I have a creative brain, but I have to be in the right mindset. At this time I wasn't thinking about anything at all except the fact that I was grumpy. : )

It goes to show that it does not pay to give in to the bad mood, but to move past it and choose to make a better decision. On purpose.

Welcome : )

Welcome to Crystal's Road.

I feel like it needs an introduction. I have decided to make this blog an open, honest view into my life and quite honestly this terrifies me. I am an outgoing person who is EXTREMELY private. Very very very few people who know me actually really know me. So, with that said, I have decided to begin writing about my life, thoughts, how I feel about things, and stuff that has happened in the past both good and bad.

I am anxious just thinking about it. But, this is something that I feel is important that I truly do want to do. I feel like I have something to offer. I have been though a lot (as most people have) and I would like to share the journey.

If you are interested, follow along. If not, see ya later.
I hope you enjoy. Feel free to leave comments but please be kind as some of the content is close to my heart and has probably not yet been revealed.

Thank you in advance.

Love,
Crystal Dawn

Color

I started painting again. I can't even explain how good it felt. Painting is a way for me to release my emotions..to let my creativity flow.. It is a safe place.

I wanted to take my canvas and paints and drive downtown until I found a peaceful spot. I must paint in a place where I am alone and feel free.

I cannot paint in my bedroom or in a house unless I am near a big, open window. But instead of taking the drive I went outside to the deck by the pool and faced away from the sun, thus allowing the sun to hit the painting. It was perfect. I was alone. I had music playing in my ears. The sun was warm on my back.

It is always hard for me to start, especially when the canvas is blank. I usually cover the canvas in a color of paint just to get things flowing. This day however I wanted to finish a painting that I had started but had been unable to return to for a long time.

It began to flow and it felt so good. I could feel the tension ease slowly from my body. My head began to clear. I began to see in color and shape instead of black and white.

I never have an idea in mind as I sit down to paint, but I usually have a color. I start there. This day.. I was thinking in shades of blue.

The brush dipped in color flows down the canvas in a sexy line. There is nothing prettier than that first stroke. I love to mix the colors and watch them blend. This is my favorite part. I never plan to finish. I let the painting tell me when it is done.

On this day, I finished.

Reality Check

My heart is heavy and the only way to feel better is to write the feelings out. So I am choosing to write freely without worry of who may read this or what they might think about it.
I was alone last night with time alone for thoughts to roam freely. I am usually so busy and occupied that I do not allow myself this luxury. Last night I didn't mean to intentionally think. It just happened.

I have learned a lot about myself the past few years. It has taken heartache, bad choices and some successes but through it all I have learned more about who I am.
I have had a rough few years. Nobody else is to blame. It has been all mine to shoulder. I could blame bad choices on my childhood if I wanted to, but I won't. I could blame bad relationships, but I won't do that either. I could be angry at my current situation, but if I am here to be honest with myself then I know I can't do that either.
I have thought recently that I was recovering from these things, healing if you will. Starting over. Beginning again.

I realized last night and mostly this morning that I was wrong. Yet again. I have been deceiving myself into believing that I was better.
I use distraction to cover the hurt. To literally ignore the problem. But the problem is that none of these distractions heal the hurt.
I literally feel like the tree in the movie Fern Gully. "Can't you feel it's pain?"
Like if you touched me, your fingertips would be covered in blood, pain, hurt.
I heard a song this morning that I hadn't heard in a long time and it resonated deeply in my heart.
"I can't laugh, can't cry.. and I can't run, can't hide.. You get used to the pain and numb to the sting until you can't feel anything.."

So this this is me. And in writing this I am deciding to be honest with myself, even though it hurts.
Even though I would prefer to reach out to someone, crack a smile, hide behind my walls.
I feel them crumbling. And I'm scared.