Contentment

Do you ever feel like you are rounding a corner of some kind?
Like you've been climbing, climbing, falling and climbing but suddenly things just feel a little easier, a little happier?

I'm not sure what changed. Actually, I don't think anything did.
I think I just got stronger. And I am happy. 
It's funny because last week I was struggling with discontentment and I couldn't figure out why.
It's like something has clicked. Nothing in my circumstances changed whatsoever but everything seems a little brighter, a little louder and more exciting.

Life is never going to be perfect, I am well aware of that. But I do think, a big part of the beauty in life is the challenges, disappointments and setbacks.  Of course we want life to go perfectly as planned and when it doesn't we wonder what we did wrong, what we did to deserve it or what we could have done to change it. The truth is, usually, nothing.
We can't avoid hurt, rejection, and negative circumstances. All we can do is choose our attitude and response.

I truly believe this is the key to life.

I am in a place where I realize happiness is within my control and i am choosing to be happy.

I am standing stronger alone (with God) then I ever have. It feels so good.
I think what I am trying to say is I am starting to feel WHOLE.

Whole.. What does that word mean....

You know that gaping hole in the center of your being that we try to fill with everything from friends, love, possessions, experiences, emotions and so on and so forth... That gaping hole can only be filled with the Lord. Once it is, we are free to enjoy all of the things I just listed above.
That is a pretty awesome concept. He never says we can't have and do those things. He simply wants to be first. He wants to fill the hole so we are free to live and enjoy our life. Wow.

I am smiling just thinking about how good God is. The sunlight is coming through the weeping willow tree beautifully in the backyard. The birds are singing. My daughter just woke up, hugged me and told me she loved me..

It's going to be a good day..

Walking aimlessly

I realized today that the way I feel inside has nothing to do with what I have or don't have.
I am not sure what made me realize it today, but whatever it was made me painfully aware.
When I sit and think, I know that I have everything.
Really, I do.

I have 2 kids I adore, a business that is growing, busy and making money, I have more finances to work with than we have in years, and a network of friends that is unbelieveable.
Who in the world wouldn't be happy with all of that?
Everything is up in the air again.. Is that the source of the discontent?
It's exciting if I think about it..
We can move to a completely different part of town, change schools, change scenery and start fresh..

This is the kind of stuff that thrills me. I love the challenge of not knowing, of needing to figure things out, or having choices and decisions to make.
I spent some time downtown today by myself and I was thinking about what direction I wanted to move in..
I just honestly have no idea what to do.

The feeling of floating aimlessly but being tied down by life reminded me of how I have felt in the past and blamed on other people.
There is nobody to blame that feeling on now.
I am free to make any choice I want, with the kids  blessing of course.
There is nobody to tell me no or try to talk me out of what I want.
That. Is. Freeing.
Yet, I am still struggling.

If I simply think about what I want, it definitely includes possessions I don't have and the fact that I would love to settle down and buy a house but don't think I am financially ready.
In my daydreams, I'd buy a house in East Nashville (where I feel free) and cover it with plants, flowers and art. It would have a fenced backyard where my kids could safely play and an awesome neighborhood/community. My kids would go to a magnet school that allowed them to think outside of the box and not conform to a certain type of learning.

That is what I want.
But really, is that all I want?
If I am honest, the answer is no. I want much more than that.

The key for me right now is to find contentment in my current situation, all the way around.
I've got to get to the bottom of that feeling.